If you struggle with sexual sin, pornography, lust, or if you are simply human, you know what it is like to desire intimacy. William Struthers says — and I think he’s right — that what sexual sin offers is never truly satisfying. What follows is a phenomenal excerpt from Struthers’ book Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain. Read it twice, if it helps:
I remember one conversation with a man who thought I was naive about male sexuality [i.e.: meaning, Struthers says that men should reserve themselves sexually for marriage]. He said, “Men are biologically driven to mate with as many women as possible. It’s evolution. We can’t help ourselves. It’s what we are made to do.”
“Really?” I asked.
“Yeah. We’re made to spread our genes to as many different women as possible. We’re programmed to look for new women to mate with.”
“But what if you could find one woman who was constantly changing? What if she was always different and could meet that need for novelty in a partner? Would that satisfy you?”
“You mean she wore sexy lingerie or dyed her hair?”
“No. I mean that as you got to now her better, you discovered dimensions of her that were so interesting that she became like a new woman.”
“How’s that?” he asked.
“What if you got to be promiscuous with your wife because your understanding of her was always changing? What if you discovered new things about her that made her always new, always fresh? She could be a new woman for you to pursue each day.”
“That woman doesn’t exist.”
“That woman does exist,” I responded. “She’s my wife. That’s I I meet any ‘evolutionary’ need for promiscuity that I might have. I intentionally love her and discover new things to appreciate about her. She’s not the same person I married years ago. In some ways she is the same, in some ways she’s changed, and there are new things that I am discovering about her even now after more than a decade of being married. She is always different and always exciting. Our relationship is like promiscuity within a monogamous relationship.”
“You must have a pretty cool wife. My wife’s not like that. But if you could bottle that, I’d buy it for her.”
How tragic that this man couldn’t discover the joys of loving the same woman for years. This reminds me of a French proverb I came across in Os Guinness’ book Steering Through Chaos, “The greatest lover has made love not to a thousand different women, but to one woman a thousand different ways.”